funny friday

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.



6. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal" ?
7. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
8. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.


9. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
10. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
11. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

12. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you you're on.
13. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
14. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
15. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

16. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

Have a great weekend!